Thursday, July 15, 2004

Thursday 7/15 - What We Learned

Kathy never asked “why” this terrible disease happened to her. Nor was she ever bitter about it. Rather, she asked what she could learn. She learned how to make the most of every day.

She and I also learned that we live in a mortal, frail and imperfect world which isn't "fair". But knowing that helped us to move forward during the past four years. We loved each other and made the most of everything we did together. We had few regrets.

But I’ve also learned many things over the past four years from Kathleen. How to be kinder, gentler, a better father and husband, more faithful and a better human being. Also, that a complete wardrobe of shorts and T-shirts doesn't really work in St. Louis in the winter.

But most importantly, it is to make each day as if it is your last and to think carefully about your words and deeds.

As the boys and I work through our grief, we will have good days, bad days and really ugly days. Just as before. But I am truly proud to have met and known Kathleen, her family and her many friends around the country.

As we think about how this happened, I encourage you to talk about life and death issues with your spouse, your family and your doctors. If you have specific wishes about your life, you need to have these legally documented, known to those who can help you and ensure that those around you can be strong enough to see it through. Trust me, this is not easy.

Please be sure to take care of your family, friends and neighbors. They will be your legacy.

There are great plans ahead for all of us.

God Bless.

Rodger

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Monday 7/12 - A Day of Remembrance

Kathleen's service was held today at Sacred Heart church in Valley Park. It was a beautiful event. My boys kept me strong and helped me to keep a "happy face". That was very hard to do.

I'd like to thank all of those who took time out from their busy schedule to attend. It gave me strength when I could feel the support of all you there with us in our time of sorrow.

Following the service we held a luncheon which included numerous photographs and a video slide show. I'll have copies of the slide show for anyone who missed it.

I'd like to thank all of you who sent flowers, cards, gifts and support. It will take me some time to sort through all of these over the coming weeks. But they were all beautiful. We were able to regift some of the flowers to others less fortunate today. It's something Kathy would have done. Thank you.

Finally, I'll turn my angergriefsorrowpain into enthusiasmenergydetermination towards starting Kathleen's foundation. I promise you that in years to come, we'll be able to measure the positive difference this effort will produce. There are a thousand million details to work out (name, tax ID, mission/vision/goals, board, money) and I already feel the strength from the show of support I have received.

I'll make updates here to the site from time to time. Again, thanks for everything. - Rodger

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Sunday 7/11 - STL Post Dispatch Story

[From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch 7/11/04]

Kathleen Marie Mansfield
Was Creve Coeur official

Kathleen Marie Mansfield, an administrator for Creve Coeur for 16 years, died Thursday (July 8, 2004) from complications of scleroderma, a rare arthritic disease, at St. John's Mercy Medical Center in Creve Coeur. She was 44 and lived in Ballwin.

Mrs. Mansfield was born and reared in Berkeley. She graduated from Southeast Missouri State University in 1981. She received a master's degree in public policy from Mississippi State University in 1984.

She married Rodger J. Mansfield in 1991.

From 1987 to 2003, Mrs. Mansfield was Creve Coeur's assistant city administrator. Her primary responsibilities included hiring and managing city personnel and serving as liaison to the city's ethics commission, said Annette Kolis Mandel, who was a council member and mayor of Creve Coeur from the mid-1990s to 2003.

Mrs. Mansfield worked tirelessly to save the Tappmeyer Homestead, a historical landmark in Creve Coeur, Mandel said.

"She was the most dedicated city employee that any city could hope to have," the former mayor said. "She had a personal relationship with every staff member, and they returned that attention with loyalty and kindness. Her one goal was to do what was right and what was best for the city of Creve Coeur.

"She was the most ethical person one could hope to have working for any organization. She was the consummate professional. Everybody who knew her will miss her terribly."

Mrs. Mansfield participated in several civic organizations and received the 1997 Assistant City Administrator of the Year Award from the Missouri City Management Association. In the mid-1990s, she served a one-year term as president of the St. Louis City Management Association. She also volunteered with the Boy Scouts of America.

A memorial Mass will be celebrated at 10 a.m. Monday at Sacred Heart Catholic Church, 17 Ann Avenue, Valley Park. A reception will follow.

In addition to her husband, among the survivors are two sons, Jonathan M. Mansfield and Alexander J. Mansfield of Ballwin; a sister, Barbara A. Wilhite of Warson Woods; two brothers, Frank Wilhite and Don A. Wilhite, both of Fenton.

Her husband said a foundation will soon be established to promote education about public service and community involvement.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Saturday 7/10 - Funeral Notice

It's early Saturday morning. I've found this blog to be a therapeutic tool for me to work through my grief. I've heard from a lot of you as well that you have appreciated this site, good and bad, to allow you to know what's been going on.

For those of you who have been through this, you know there are a lot of details. Although Kathy and I knew her disease was fatal, we had refused to let it get in the way of our day-to-day lives. Life went on.

But it also meant that we did not wrap things up as tidy as we could have. I'm just as glad anyway since this was a burden Kathy never had to carry. I've had a lot of help these past few days. Running errands, getting food, and starting to solve the thousand million details.

We have the service planned for Monday followed by a luncheon. I'm working on a slide show and we'll have a photo board too. Later we'll head on over to my house for the afternoon and evening.

I wrote the funeral notice that will run in the Sunday July 11 St. Louis Post-Dispatch. They are also planning to run a news Obituary.

MANSFIELD, KATHLEEN MARIE, of Ballwin, MO died July 8, 2004 after a long and courageous battle with scleroderma; best friend and spouse of Rodger; mother of Jonathan and Alexander; daughter of the late Frank and Ann Wilhite; sister of Barbara, Frank and Don Wilhite; sister-in-law of Nancee Wilhite; dear aunt, cousin and friend to many.

Kathleen was an outstanding professional city administrator of Creve Coeur Missouri who was loved and respected by all of her professional colleagues; former President of the St. Louis Area City Management Association; former board member of the Missouri City Management Association; enthusiastic Scouter with Boy Scouts of America.

Memorial Mass Monday July 12, 10 a.m. at Sacred Heart Catholic Church, 17 Ann Ave., Valley Park, MO 63088 In Kathleen’s honor, a foundation will be established to promote education for the value of public service, youth participation and community involvement.


I'm also starting to work on Kathleen's foundation on public service. I need some technical help in the coming weeks. But I can assure you, this will be a lasting memory that wil best exemplify Kathleen's commitment to others.

Please be sure to post some memories in the "I remember Kathleen" entry. Don't forget to add your name if you'd like to have us know who you are. Thanks!

Thursday, July 08, 2004

What's Happened?



I have lost my life companion and my best friend. The boys have lost a terrific mom. And you all have lost a wonderful friend too.

Thursday July 8, 2004 was the hardest day of my life. But I'd like to share that Kathleen was ready to go. And she went peacefully and quickly, with me holding her tightly and her closest family with her too at the time she needed us the most. We listened to beautiful music and to a wonderful blessing as we said goodbye.

The boys also had a chance to see her again and to say goodbye earlier in the day. This was a tough decision for me to make but I think it was the best way for them to have closure. They are sad and trying to make sense of this all. But they know we are there for them. Always.

We will be planning a life celebration party for Kathleen's family and friends in August. She always told me she'd want a memorable event, full of fun, laughter and life. Her family always has a reunion every few years and this one will be extra special. Please call/email me for details in a week or so.

During this time, I've come to know Kathy's great circle of friends and to know her family just a bit better too. She is 1 of 30+ first-cousins and with 20 years in her profession there is a lot to know. It's always hard for an outsider to join a family. And it is so true that when you marry you get more than just the person--you get the whole family and set of friends. Whether you want them or not. In her case, this is a great thing. Her many friends and family have rallied to our aid. Wish the circumstances were not so, but it is nice to have this support.

As many of you know, she fought systemic sclerosis (scleroderma) for the past four years. Click HERE for more information on this disease.

Kathy was in the hospital since May 11 due to complications from her drug therapy. She was able to walk in and for most of the time was doing well. She was receiving many visitors and calls. But hospitals are really no place for a sick person. And she just ran out of time.

On Monday June 14, she was moved to ICU due to an acute infection and severe respiratory distress. She was heavily medicated to allow her to be evaluated to determine her treatment options. There were some hopeful signs that she could make it. But it finally became clear that time was not on her side.

If you'd like to send cards, please send them to our home. If you need to talk to me, call my cell phone or leave a message at home. You can also email me at rjmans@swbell.net (my email has a spam blocker so you may have to respond to its challenge) I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Sorry I can't post the other contact info to the blog site...

Thank you for your thoughts, your assistance and your prayers during this time.

Rodger and family

7/8 she going byebye

Hi. this is kathy's son jon. i have to tell you that kathy is not going to be with us much longer. she is dying and will leave this world soon. this is sad for all and i hope you are ok without her. jon

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Wednesday 7/7 - Thoughts and Prayers Needed

ICU Day #24 / Hospital Day #57

Kathy remains on high-level of support today. Things are not improving. With so many things wrong, her chances of recovery are slipping away. I told her she's a fighter and to hang in there for every minute she can. She and I had 4 years to discuss this point and we know her wishes. But it is still hard to face the facts.

They are planning some diagnostics Thursday to see if there is anything else they can do. But things are not good. She needs to rally again.

Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Tuesday 7/6 - Hanging In There

ICU Day #23 / Hospital Day #56

Kathy is still hanging in there. They've dropped her oxygen level down a bit from Sunday. But they continue to provide her with a high-level of ventilator support and close medical attention. The infectious disease doctor was in today---they have changed her antibiotics to fight whatever new beastie attacked her, probably pneumonia.

I spent several hours with her today. We read the paper. I tried not to scare too much about politics today with Kerry's VP pick. :-) So we watched the Food Network, a couple episodes of Golden Girls, and her favorite, The View. Let's just say my visits are a labor of love to endure all that too.

These are rough times for Kathy. She has a lot to overcome. But I tell her everyday how hard she is fighting and how much we want her back.

Thanks for all of your cards, emails and show of support for Kathy, me and the boys. We appreciate it.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Monday 7/5 - Chutes and Ladders

ICU Day #22 / Hospital Day #55

Kathy is resting after a busy day yesterday. Spoke with the ICU doctor this afternoon for another update. Her breathing is her top priority. Then the infections, then the kidneys and then the ol' bladder. She's gone back 7-10 days in progress. But not as far back as when she first came into the ICU. Since they caught this setback early, Kathy has a fighting chance. But she is still on a high-level of support.

The goal is to get this infection under control and to start to wean her from the vent again. If things go well, then 7-10 days from now, she'll be where she was last Friday. She'll again have to come back down from the neuromuscular blockade and the sedation drugs that are assisting her to stay on the vent at such high settings.

This will probably require a trachesotomy. But it will allow her to breath and to talk to us again. They also are going to start her back on the continuous dialysis as well. Once she's stable, they'll do some more diagnostics to see how to stop the bladder bleeding. But that is a couple weeks off.

The ARDS website has some more information, including a section on understanding ARDS, frequently asked questions and a glossary of terms. Be sure to check it out by clicking HERE.

The best way to describe what's going is to remember the childhood board game of Chutes and Ladders. Kathy is working her way up, sometimes taking a ladder and bypassing everyone's expectations. Other days, she's sliding back down a chute. She never really liked playing that game with the boys anyway. For an interesting history of the game "Chutes and Ladders", click HERE.


Sunday, July 04, 2004

Sunday 7/4 - No Holiday for Kathy

ICU Day #21 / Hospital Day #54

As you can see from the previous posts, Kathy had been steadily improving over the past two weeks. But she took a downturn this morning. Must have a new infection which sent her blood pressure out of control. So she's back on full support again and again on the neural muscular blockade. So our time to communicate was too brief. They are working very hard for her.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Saturday 7/3 - Time

ICU Day #20 / Hospital Day #53

I spent an hour or so with Kathy this morning. She's able to move her head a bit to nod and can open her eyes a bit wider today. But she appears very tired. They are starting to switch to dialysis every few days and see how that is progressing. There's a good chance that this can be solved.

Kathy and I have always been great Star Trek fans. Our first date ended with us racing back to watch the show (together of course!). We both enjoyed this quote from Star Trek: Generations movie that seems even more fitting at this point in time:

Picard: Someone once told me that time was a predator that stalked us all our lives. I rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey and reminds us to cherish every moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we've lived. After all Number One, we're only mortal.

Riker: Speak for yourself sir, I plan to live forever.


Have a great 4th weekend and be sure to enjoy the time with your families. If anything is learned from the past two months, it is that time is fleeting. So don't miss the opportunities to enjoy life and those you have with you.

Here's a link from the Missouri Bar concerning medical directives and living wills which you may find interesting. Click HERE. This is worth reading and having in place BEFORE you need medical care.

Friday, July 02, 2004

Friday 7/2 - Blinking is Good

ICU Day #19 / Hospital Day #52

Kathy had a peaceful day. She seemed more tired than yesterday but she was able to move her eyes when I was there today. Her sister Barb also spent time with her (as she has for the past 3 weeks. Her cousin Carolyn, friends Carol and Cheri came by to welcome her back as well.

Kathy has a long way to go but it is very good to see this progress. The key focus is to wean her from the ventilator over the coming weeks. This will also improve as the infections subside and her kidneys have a chance to restart. Hopefully, nothing new will pop up.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Thursday 7/1 - The Awakening

ICU Day #18 / Hospital Day #51

Today is best called "The Awakening". After 19 days, I was able to communicate with Kathy and she could respond. As many of you know, Kathy is a talker. But today she could only move her eyes for "yes" or "no". It took some time, but I was able to tell her what happened over the past three weeks. I also told her how much you all have been supporting her and us. We even went over all of the cards she has received since being in ICU. She could confirm that she knew what I was telling her.

I spoke with the ICU doctor at great length today. Kathy will have many challenges ahead. She'll also probably be on a roller coster with ups and downs. But today she has an "E" ticket.

This has been a great day.


I think I can sleep tonight.

Rodger